When You Try Your Best
by ProfAT
Summary: One stormy evening, Rukia and Renji throw caution to the wind and aim to have a night of hot, steamy passion. And It's terrible. For everyone. That includes you. Alternate title: Do You Think They Teach Sex Ed at Shin'ō Academy?


**Author's note: Do you ever. Just.**

Now before Rukia thinks about everything that has happened, she'd like to point out that she totally didn't have a plan for this. She could have had a plan, though, if she wanted to. And a brilliant plan it would be and it would go so beautifully in her mind. Somehow, though, nothing in her life ever seems to quite work out the way she plans it, anyways. In this instance of beautiful things going horribly wrong she blames Renji.

Okay, so it wasn't _really_ Renji's fault. But more importantly it wasn't hers, either! It was just a natural progression of events that happened to send them both spiraling down this path. It was all due to destiny. Destiny is, coincidentally, the name of a brand of sake that is favored by a certain bar that shinigami have been known to frequent at while off-duty. Destiny can also be a term Rukia employs when she has had more than a little too much to drink.

As the hours turned late and the occupants of the establishment began to depart, the telltale taps of raindrops splashing against rooftops and a distant roll of thunder signaled a long, wet walk home. In Rukia's humble opinion, a little water never hurt anyone, but that didn't mean she wanted to brave a storm just to get all the way back to the Kuchiki mansion or the Thirteenth's barracks. Renji, gentleman that he is, offered for her to spend the night in his quarters.

Okay, no. Rukia invited herself over, since the Sixth Division barracks were close. Renji protested out of fear of Byakuya, but eventually relented. Details, details.

Really, Rukia supposes that it's a little embarrassing that that's all it took. At one point in earlier years she would have painted this picture being much more romantic, with an adequate build-up to raise the passion and excitement. Now, apparently all it took was some nasty weather, being a little tipsy, and convincing Renji to stop being a big baby.

At that point events started to blur together a little. Renji tripped himself over to where he kept the extra futon, prompting Rukia to joke that his was nicer and so he should do the polite thing and offer his own bed to his guest. If Rukia was less tired and less drunk, she probably wouldn't have already flopped onto Renji's futon against his complaints. But she was, so flopped she did.

Apparently in that short timeframe, the guest futon had done some unspeakable act to offend Renji into giving up on it, because he rolled over next to her on the mattress a few moments later.

They both just lie that way for a while, staring at the ceiling. Not a particularly exciting ceiling at all. Rukia has a vague, un-sober notion that she might want to get the Shinigami Women's Association involved in a beautification project in squad barracks. They'd probably be into it, since they usually like big projects that are both artsy and inconvenient for everyone. In the human world she saw pictures of faraway monuments, chapels and temples with ceilings covered in intricate paintings and designs. She could do something like that, only with bunnies instead of babies with wings and stuff. It would be amazing.

If Rukai wondered if Renji was having just as grandiose thoughts in his own head, her question was answered.

"I kinda wish we had more booze." Renji sighed wistfully, gazing upwards as if praying for alcohol to descend from the heavens.

Rukia elbows his side, and it would have been a proper jab if she wasn't feeling so content and lazy right now. "Don't you keep any in your quarters?"

"Nah, people just come over and drink it all." Renji waves a hand above him imprecisely. "And then they're too much of mess to leave and they want to stay, and they become bed-stealing burdens like you."

"I'm not a mess." Rukia protested sourly. She can't exactly deny the rest of the accusation.

"Yeah, right." She heard Renji's chuckle, and for some reason right then, in the dark with the rain pelting the walls and the occasional streak of lightening flashing through the window, it sends an odd chill up her spine. How long has it been since she heard Renji laugh?

She turned over on to her side, wondering if she should ask the question out loud and, if so, what his answer would be. Her voice dies, though, when she looked to him and sees he's already looking at her. His vibrant hair is splayed around his head against the sheets, and the part of Rukia that still isn't fully paying attention wonders how anyone can even _stand_ to have that much hair. As it is her own strands of raven hair are trickling into her eyes, but they don't impede her vision enough to block the sudden lock of eye contact between her and the redhead.

Renji's eyes, like everything else about him, seem so much darker than they used to be. She almost can't see what color they are. When he blinks, Rukia thinks she sees a flash of some bold shade of light brown, like amber. Or maybe it was something a little redder, like rust. One of those things, something suitably earthy.

Rukia has no idea which one of them initiate the kiss, only that Renji's lips are surprisingly soft so she doesn't really have a lot to complain about here. He tastes like sake and Rukia's still not quite dried out enough to count this as a bad thing, and with this going on the smattering of rain outside adds a fast-paced, passionate tempo that's almost romantic.

Rukia was beginning to consider that hey, this is pretty good. It's a wonder they hadn't done this sooner, when suddenly she realized that there is definitely a reason they shouldn't have done this sooner. The reason is Renji's tongue.

The tongue is a wondrous appendage. Rukia is very attached to her tongue, but she's not above using it for tonsil hockey with the tongue of a partner. What she is above, however, is Renji seemingly trying to force-feed his own tongue down her throat.

Maybe there's a reasonable explanation. Maybe she has peanut butter or something on the roof of her mouth or food between her teeth or _something_ and Renji is trying to lick it clean. But there's no excuse for how gross it is.

Honesty is the best policy, and telling Renji that he needs to stop slobbering into Rukia's mouth is probably the kinder thing to do. But, in the future if this same situation ever came up, Rukia would make a special note to make sure to disengage liplocking _before_ trying to verbalize something, in order to minimalize the off-chance that you catch someone else's lips between your teeth and bite down on accident- hard.

She feels Renji freeze and for a moment she considers the possibility that Renji might be into that but no, he pulls away and tenderly rubs the swelling bite-mark on his lower lip while giving her the most pathetic glare, so he's just being a baby again.

"That fucking hurt." He informs her, sounding sulky.

She winces in sympathy, "Sorry. Maybe we should skip the kissing for right now." She doesn't add that in that case she won't have to have him dragging his tongue all over the four corners of her mouth again.

"Okay, skipping sounds good." He huffs, pausing for a minute as he seems to consider their positions, just lying next to each other. "So, what's going on here? Making out or are we… y'know?"

Renji is a grown man. He should be able to say sex out loud, but he can't. He's precious.

"I have on-going investigation to find out." Rukia says, trying her best to purr, because things were going so well before. Maybe she can still salvage the night, after all think of how great that busy tongue would feel between her legs.

Her hands drift down his torso and at that point she hesitates, because apparently this is the next hurdle. She's not sure what if she's supposed to wait until they're both naked or just shove her hands down his pants or rub him through the fabric or what. She should probably ask, but they've both got one strike against them each already. Rukia totally knows what she's doing anyways.

Undoing the sash around his waist sounds like a good start, too bad that's surprisingly difficult, too. The knot is way too tight and Rukia ends up spending an embarrassing amount of time not getting the stupid thing untied at all. Renji stops her after about the third time she accidentally bangs her elbow into his ribcage. At least she tried.

He bats her hands away and undoes the knot himself, starts taking off his own clothes. As he does, Rukia's eyes glance off the inked patterns across his skin. Tattoos that exact and extensive seem awfully time-consuming to have done. Expensive, too, which is funny for a guy who's constantly complaining about having no money. Thought the girl who was adopted into a fantastically rich noble family. Whatever, she'll buy him one of those stupid pairs of goggles to make up for her mental hypocrisy.

Halfway between clothed and unclothed, Renji stops and raises an eyebrow at Rukia, who had until now been remaining complacent on the futon in her own thoughts. "Enjoying the show or something?"

Oh, shit, yeah. She has to be naked too, doesn't she? Rukia quickly sets upon disrobing, and she's fairly certain it's not nearly as graceful as it's supposed to be. As she's kicking her fundoshi off from around her ankles, she tries really hard to think sexy thoughts.

She looks at Renji and he looks at her and now they're just both undressed and staring at each other and Rukia isn't even thinking sexy thoughts like she's supposed to. She's still stuck on Renji's dumb tattoos and how much her brother would flip the fuck out if she came home with something like that done and wondering if Renji has to shave his eyebrows or he plucks them. And now she just has the mental image of Renji standing in front of a mirror plucking his eyebrows with a pair of tweezers and dammit she's actually giggling right now, isn't she?

"What's so funny?" Renji asks, torn between sounding amused and bewildered.

Rukia chokes back her giggling. "Nothing, nothing! Just… what are you thinking about right now?"

"Is that at all relevant?"

"Possibly."

Renji bites his lip thoughtfully, and he's looking at her bare body and right now Rukia really does want to know what he's thinking about. She also wants to think about anything that isn't Renji's stupid eyebrows.

"It's a tough question, I know…" Rukia teases after Renji doesn't respond for a minute, and she wonders if that's a sign to start being nervous.

"Honestly?" Renji starts, sounding unsure. "I'm kind of thinking about the fact that you have, like, no body hair. It's kind of weird."

She sits up a little straighter, feeling an angry heat spread in her cheeks. Her fingertips brush her smooth legs, past the dark curls around her groin that she used to be so self-conscious about. "I have body hair! I usually have a lot more, too. Just not a lot of it right now, since I shaved recently. Don't guys like that sort of thing?"

He tilts his head to the side, scratching the back of his neck. "Uh, well, I can't really speak for every guy. I mean, you're still super pretty but it makes you look a lot younger. I kind of feel like a creeper this way."

"We're like the same age, asshole!"

"Yeah, I know! Fuck, I'm sorry for saying anything." Renji waves his hands in front of him defensively.

Rukia sticks her tongue out at him, looking as haughty as she can while her pride is still reeling. "Well maybe I'll just take my weird hairless body and go then."

"No, no! Stay!" Renji smiles as he pleads. "You're flawless, okay? You're a goddess among women and I was so wrong for saying anything less."

"Damn straight." Rukia agrees with a firm nod. They're still back at square one, though. There are two people on this futon and none of them are having sex. This is a thing that needs to change. "So, uh, how are we doing this?"

"We kind of skipped the foreplay." Renji points out. "Here, lie back for me."

Rukai does as requested as her, pleased to see Renji crouching to position his mouth between her legs. This is progress that she can totally be in full support of.

And fuck, she was right about that tongue being useful after all. The wet, hot appendage pays a highly appreciated amount of attention to her inner lips, her clit- _shit,_ how is he even so good at that? Rukia moans threading a one hand through her hair and another in his. Her fingers get momentarily tangled in the strands of red and she had to gently tug to dislodge them. Maybe he didn't notice?

"Ow." He mumbles into her, but he sets right back off to work again, so Rukia guesses he's fine.

She feels kind of bad this way, her getting all the attention lavished on her while still leaving him hanging. It feels like it would be rude to interrupt him though. He seems to really like the little moans and sighs she's making, and when she cranes her neck around to check out what effect this is having on him, Renji seems to be rising to the occasion just fine. Maybe he gets off on getting other people off. Somehow that wouldn't surprise her.

Renji's tongue twists and spirals around inside her, and Rukia's vision goes fuzzy and it's… _okay_, she guesses. She's had longer and she's hard harder, but an orgasm is an orgasm. Fortunately, there's still much to be done, if they way Renji is moving again is any indication. Rukia's more than a little disappointed when Renji's mouth comes away from her clit, and can't help the little noise of complaint that slips out.

"So, me on top?" Renji asks, sounding more like he's taking a survey than making the suggestion. Rukia nods, watching him settle himself higher up, over her, positioning his hard cock at her already wet and aroused lips. He starts pushing the head in and Rukia wants to concentrate on how good it feels, because dammit it's supposed to feel good so start _letting_ it feel good, but ends up distracted by the fact that from this position, Rukia can't even see Renji's face. All she's getting is a faceful of chest and while under different circumstances that wouldn't be so bad it just feels all kinds of awkward right now.

Stupid height different. Why does Renji have to be so _tall?_

"Okay, no." Rukia commands, before Renji is properly in.

"You're so short!" Renji complains, apparently having been on a similar train of thought.

Rukia rolls her eyes, though it's obvious from her position at eye-to-abdomen level with him he can't see it. "Just shut up and roll over, okay?"

He relents and flops onto his back, using an elbow to prop his head and shoulders up so he can watch Rukia clumsily crawl over him until she's finally hovering over his body. She has her thighs on either side of his hips now, and the sharp edge of his pelvis digs into her calves, but at least _now_ they're in business. All she has to do now is lower herself onto his cock and-

_Shit._

"Owowowowowow-fuck!" Rukia hisses through gritted teeth and halts her motion as a hot spike of pain flares up from her crotch. It is possibly the least arousing thing she has ever experienced.

Renji's expression turns to one of alarm at her cry and the world around Rukia goes wobbly as he sits up automatically and knocks her off balance, and suddenly there's a whir of movement as she tumbles off the futon and a whoosh of air leaving her lungs as she lands against the cold, hard floor.

She can see Renji leaning over her, a sympathetic grimace on his face. "You weren't relaxed." He scolds weakly, although he looks regretful when she gives him a venomous glare. "Are you okay?"

Rukia waits for sweet oxygen to to fill her once more before she can respond. Her back aches fiercely now, and not for any of the reasons she had been hoping for. "This may not have been one of our better ideas."

There's a quite shuffling as Renji slips onto the floor next to her. He waits until she's finished watching the room spin enough to sit up, then drags the top sheet off the futon and drapes it over her shoulders like a cape. He wraps himself in the other end of the blanket. "So… that happened."

"Yes. And, if you don't think it rude of me to say, it was kind of incredibly awful." Rukia agrees with a sigh.

There's a moment of contemplation, of reflection. Rukia looks up at the bare ceiling and her thoughts remind her of that mural she thought of earlier before things went so terribly wrong. There's a twitch of movement out of the corner of her eyes and she looks over with surprise to see Renji's shoulder shaking. Concern immediately washes over her and she's about to ask what's wrong when he interrupts her with a raspy, hysterical bout of laughter.

"This isn't funny. This is pathetic. Stop it." She demands, despite the corners of her lips twitching upwards beyond her power of control.

"I can't! It's just- that was so bad. We were so bad." He chokes, wiping away the beginning of tears of laughter in his eyes. "Holy shit, why are we the way we are?"

And because Rukia doesn't have an answer to that, she starts to break down. Fits of giggles, starting deep in her stomach and coming out in stupid-sounding little squeaks break free and they will not be denied.

And they both sit there, wrapped in nothing but a blanket and laughing into the dark hours of the night. And they both laugh until they're out of breath and continue laughing until it feels like the entire contents of the night are the most sad, amusing things that have ever happened in the history of the world and nothing surrounding their lives will ever be funny preceding or succeeding it. In the catalog of Rukia's mind there is now a "Before this event" and an "After this event" and they are forever separated, cleaved in two by a timeless period of uncontrollable, pointless, hilarious, tragic failure. And, in it's own messed up way, it's kind of beautiful.

"Now," Rukia gasps, after all the laughter is finally out and she feels she can make coherent sentences again. "Let us never speak of this again."


End file.
